life like a show

jusnow i watched finish 'tang xin feng bao 1'
quite many part of the drama, i felt sad
i wanna cry, but im not
much feeling suddenly appear from my soul, brain, heart ..
maybe my omg and I r in the same situation wif the drama
maybe ..
maybe ..
will think myself, izit im think too much ?
or coz of my geist ?
i drop down my tear
i suddenly feel veri suffer to tgt wif him
inside the drama, the actor said a sentense,
'we jus tok wif frens, anyhow find a job to do,actually wont reduce our unhappiness so easy ..
but actually is we write a diary or blog jus can decrease our stress, depressed ..'
im agree wif him
i noe that nobody can share wif me
i duno y, im not so noe myself
even my best fren oso canot ..
everytime after write the blog, i will relief and my mood will become better
i kip falling of tear while i write this blog
actually i duno i still love him onot
but i noe when i brk wif him that time
i was not so sad
i duno was i no feeling d ? got use to it d ? or my heart to him lessen d ?
im not so sure
i jus noe i still will veri miss him
i duno y now he cant accept to sms to each other wif 'miss u, love u, muacks ..'
i everyday so miss him, but i oso nided to tell him,'k la, u go do ur thg bah ..'
actualli this replied veri 'fake'
but i canot no say so
if not he will think im veri noisy or disturb him
last time, he can
maybe last time he in forced ? ho .. ho .. ( forced smile ) duno ?
actually he nvr say the 3 words,
' I LOVE U '
sincerely again for this time tgt
jus one time at PJ, we walked back home, he suddenly said that 3 words
i was touched by him
he 1st time said that 3 words !
now, im veri fluster
i duno wad decision shld i make
i got think to realli realli brk for long time ago d
but i noe i realli realli veri reluctant to brk
in the drama, the actor tgt wif 2 gals in same time
after the actress noe, she was so sad and brk wif him
but they finally tgt back again, she 4gave him
after that brk again coz of she noe that
'the gal'
that tgt wif him is her best fren
she canot accept it, so she choose to brk and no longer tgt d
no matter how good he treat her, but coz of one time of blunder, it is canot b 4give
if is me, i admit im oso the same
even we tgt veri sweet d, but actually my heart sometimes will suspect him
izit he at another place got new gf ? fall in love to other gal ?
last time i oso got suspect him
when im not at penang, izit he still contact to his ex ? find her ?
my heart is veri veri veri pain
coz of he lied me and nvr tell me sth that b a gf nided to noe
so i suspect him few time
im not dunwan trust him
i noe couple shld believe to each other
but wad he did and wad his action, i still can believe him ?
i duno how to describe the feeling
i noe .. im stupid
i fall in love to a guy that i shld not love and maybe he not so love me ?
i oso feel weird
we b couple
y we canot honest to other and if got anythg jus tell to each other ?
i still nid to write a blog to tell him ? i canot understand
r we tgt ? im in suffering
i noe .. sometime some decision nid to make and relationship nid to make it clear
i got think ..
after 2 yrs is my degree course
i sure will leave penang ..
i better dun be reluctant to leave d
i mus leave it free and easy
i duno wad my omg's think
i noe i veri noe him
but sometime i oso duno wad he was thinking and he nvr tell me too
i dun like he always kip kip kip in his heart
i duno am i his gf
when i said,'no contact, brk ..'
he always noe to say,'respect u,respect ur decision'
i hv enuf of this thg
i dunwan delay and ignore this thg again
i nid to do 'final decision' d
hais
i gona slp at 4am (30/8 midnite)
continue type again ......
(30/8 morning)
wk up at around 12pm+
i feel tired
my body tired, my heart oso tired
i realli feel we not couple
i everyday scare he at other place will tgt wif other gal
coz he lied me many times d
always suddenly gv me a big 'surprise'
let me suddenly noe he went to genting wif his frens and ex gf
i noe maybe they nth, jus fren, jus bcoz of his fren's gf got go, so his ex gf sure folo them
i oso noe he scare i will dislike and unhappy
so he kip from let me noe
jus told me his fren organised this trip
got his frens and his fren's gf
i better dun go tgt, coz i duno them at all
but after that he oso posted in friendster, how can i duno ?
who am i ? i canot angry ? i canot jealous ? i canot say her bad thg ?
i duno ..
his fren's gf can go, but y i canot ?
if not he posted the pic they capture at genting
i wont noe this thg 4eva and eva
im not so small gas, until now still take out this topic
but he realli hurt me much
that time i saw the pic, my heart realli pain realli pain
y he canot thinking of my feeling ?
he let me noe earlier will b better than i noe by myself and so suddenly
i damn hurted !
and this yr valentine's day, we celebrated tgt
1 day, his ex gf phoned to him while he was bathing
i saw it, sumore still got pic
i duno that time he got put my pic onot
but i noe after that i asked him,'if i help u to ans the phone, wad u think ?'
he directly told me, he would veri angry coz he nid his private
i suddenly veri sad
i told my cousin wad he replied me, i now feel that time
my tok realli reluctantly
actually i shocked he gv me the ans
but coz of that time, i was celebrating my cousin's bday
i could not sad at that day, i could not cry, if not my cousin would sad for me and cried tgt
so i jus try to ignore that
i realli duno which part we still count as couple
except now, when we went out, we holded hand .. he will hug me ..
i noe that when we go out realli like couple
but so wad
like that only count as couple
but in real, sms, phone ..
i wad oso dun dare to tell him, scare he angry me, scare he dislike, scare he dunwan me
i veri concede to him d
i duno y he still not satisfied
lied me one time and one time
dunwan me one time and one time
i realli tired d
i asked him,'u believe me i will do such "stupid thg", since i so suffer ?'
i believe if im not a Pietist
i maybe will ?
coz last time my mum scolded and beat me, i realli used a pair of scissors to hurt myself
i noe he will scare i will realli do so
coz after my cousin's incident
i noe that guys will dun like gals to do so, they cant accept it
so i nvr think again
and wont do too
but i realli sad, depress, sian, no mood, hot-tempered, hurted ..
little by little, i feel veri suffer and tired
i duno y ppl paktoh, ppl happy
but i paktoh like not so happy
maybe i realli nid to gv up
im tired
i dunwan continue d
maybe gv up is a big decision, but i noe i will recover soon
coz for this moment, i still maybe can 4get about him and his thg
i scare longer and longer, i will more miss him and canot 4get him
i duno y .. since i so love him, i still nid to mk this decision to leave him
but nvm, i jus nid to noe in front of me is my future
i nid to study hard
i canot let him effect my study d
i dunwan regret like last time that i studied in form 6 d
i noe i will reluctant to do so, but i believe that i sure can do it
BELIEVE myself is veri important .. !
i brk wif him many times, so this time i canot let myself regret d ..